(This Article first Appeared in the December 2375 issue of Mad Science Monthly and is reprinted with permission. Mad Science Monthly accepts no liabilities for any hypertime anomalies arising from any person or persons acting with foreknowledge to as yet unoccured events.)

As I’ve discussed in previous columns, the options available for today’s up and coming Scientist of Non-Plebeian Intellect regarding hench-entity selection and utilization are seemingly without limit. I’ve spent precious space in this monthly feature weighing some of the advantages and disadvantages of zombies, common street thugs equipped with quantum weaponry, and the ever popular mutant mole people of the third earth’s secret cities. However, I’d like to turn your attention to a type of minion which many dismiss as nothing more than a has-been anachronism suitable only for kitschy Halloween decorations and terrorizing some manner of hapless, bumbling comedic duo.

I’m speaking, of course, of the humble, much maligned Mummy.

If your science’ is so limited that it can only encompass orbiting death rays and beam weaponry enabled Chondrichthyes then by all means, mock me. Laugh, laugh like they all laugh and keep laughing until the day comes for you to rue all your laughing laughter! However, if you in fact possess a true scientific mind that pierces into the darkest forms of magic’ (the secret sciences) of the ancient masters; then by all means read on and learn what may well grant you the final edge necessary for you to finally take over the world. (I jest of course, the world shall be mine and mine alone.)

I can hear you now, trying to shout down the voices in my head: But Dr. Genocide, no one has dispatched Mummies in Two Hundred years! They’re a laughing stock. Why, the last time anyone tried utilizing the things they barely seized half a city block and a child’s lemon-aid stand.’ True, though in defense of the late, great Colonel Catastrophe that did turn out to be a troublingly well defended dispensary of sugar and citrus. Be that as it may, whereas you see this litany of ridicule and failure not worthy of serious consideration my own fractal genius sees this pathetic reputation and scorn to be the boon it is.

The sad fact of the matter is, every day the mainstay henches of yesteryear lose more and more of their effectiveness. Whether through overuse, development of countermeasures, or other myriad factors; the truth is that one simply does not get as much punch’ of the traditional hench-entities. Allow me to illustrate:

Robots, those go-to minions of the last three hundred and fifty years, are suffering diminishing returns as EMP weaponry and the increasing sophistication of Morality reversal viruses reek havoc amongst their ranks. Science knows, all too often I’ve witnessed Seduction or Assassin robots of my own superior design begin aiding my Nemeses… occasionally becoming a permanent part of some meddling team of do-gooders. Worse yet, when developing robots AIs and Robots we risk the emergence of a psychologically curious temperament which only invites questions like Do you really do want to blast Toledo into space? Or is this about something else entirely?” Someday, perhaps, we will devise algorithms to thwart increasingly powerful cybernetic brains from developing psychoanalytic tendencies but until that day comes we must accept that–after a certain point in processing power–AIs tend to stop doing our bidding and instead spend all of their spare processing units asking about our mothers.

Zombies have had a great run (or shamble, for those purists out there) but I fear those days are now gone. In this zombie obsessed age, there’s hardly a neighborhood left that isn’t mounting monthly zombie defense drills. It is estimated that an average of 1 in 5 seven years olds can consistently hit a man shaped target in the head from 100 yards. There was some hope that sprinting zombies’ (not undead, and thus not zombies in the true sense but still capturing something of the integral essence, the zombie je ne sais quoi in the popular imagination) would be a suitable replacement. Unfortunately, creatures with no survival drive which still need to eat and drink prove untenable for long term utilization unless your plan involves filling the streets with once mobile corpses. And that strategy–while certainly something that would ruin a garbage man’s day–is not, in fact, likely to put you any closer to your goal of complete global domination.

As for the other forms of undead, once again the successes of the past have created the circumstances for present day failure. After Dr. Victor Frank N. Sain unleashed his vampires and revenants (to great effect I might add) the number of orphans generated truly staggers the imagination. And, as we have all learned time and time again, nothing produces more defenders of the unpalatable status quo than the mass creation of orphans. (If only there were still orphanages to bomb, I believe we would all have to deal with less harrying heroes… but the adoption of a distributed foster care system makes carpet bombing something less than cost effective.) As such, I challenge any of you to try and release a basement of vampires in any major metropolitan area. Without question, your lovely befanged minions will be set upon and destroyed near instantaneously by a veritable army of bored, previously orphaned vampire hunters. There honestly seems to be no end of these things.[1]

When clones are granted sufficient intelligence to gain a modicum of usefulness, you have a near certainty of developing problems due to unionization and attempts at group bargaining. And don’t get me started on street gangs and young neighborhood toughs. They’re entirely too rare these days thank to innumerable opportunities afforded in the growing economy. (Coincidentally, there has been a related drop in the number of Mad Scientists, although this simply means there is more world to conquer for the rest of us).

I could of course go on, it is in my nature to monologue after all, but you get my point. Unless you’re too dense to see it in which case you will be conscripted to perform manual labor in the Osmium mines when my day finally comes. But I digress…

So allow me to cut to the jugular and make my case that you should seriously consider implementing Mummies for your next brilliant gambit to force the world to acknowledge your genius.

Before moving on, allow me to list two of the most common complaints against those of the Mummification Persuasion. First, many dismiss these misunderstood creatures as nothing more than zombies of an earlier time: back when you could conceivably terrify a city with a single, shuffling reanimate corpse instead of washing the streets with an endless tide of mortifying green flesh all groaning and casting about for brains. Moreover, many believe Mummies to be too labor intensive to scale effectively.

I would like to point out that Mummies enjoy a great advantage over that most overused form of undead in that Mummies are immune to headshots; not to mention stakes, silver bullets or holly sprigs. All those neighborhood zombie watch groups don’t seem so clever now, do they? To whit, what Mummies lack in speed, they make up for in (near) invulnerability.

As far as the second complaint, the solution is as simple as programming your mummies to make more mummies using a standard Acheimedian Intonation Subroutine as your coding language. While this generation method certainly isn’t as speedy as viral recombinant DNA propagation or a gray goo strike, with a little foresight (and that most rare of qualities to those such as us: adequate patience) you can certainly have sufficient numbers with which to enact your plan of whatever size and scope.

The Near’ portion of Near Invulnerability’ refers to two things: mummies may be destroyed by total dismemberment or through incineration. Of the two, destruction by fire should be your bigger worry. I will be the first to admit that in this regard the traditional mummy design leaves much to be desired. Ancient, dried out linen goes up like it’s coated in napalm… Wonderful, glorious, beautiful napalm. However, there is no reason however that we should be limited as our Egyptian forebears. Why not use wrappings coated, if not comprised entirely out of asbestos? Since they’re already dead, you certainly won’t be hearing complaints from the henching union about increased cancer rates’ or an unacceptable percentage of suffocations.’ Alternately, why not fill their skin with flame retardant sand, or better yet face melting nano sand? I’ve developed just such a creature to battle my nemesis, Captain Commander Man. I have no doubt that this creature, finally, will overcome him and spell his long overdue doom! [2]

There is still the issue of perceived silliness.’ This is not nearly as large an issue as most would have you believe. My own personal work around to this issue to be rather elegant: Instead of traditional linen wrappings (of which we’ve already listed the disadvantages) I have had great success by substituting the skin of my enemies. This technique has a double effectiveness in that it is demoralizing and provides some base resistance to flame. Even if this particular tact is not our style’ or ‘crosses your moral event horizon’ I use it only as an example of options available to the enterprising World Dominator. As always, I can only show you possibilities: you must make them your own.

In addition to the previously mentioned face melting nano sand, the Mummy wrappings provide nearly endless opportunities for elegantly concealing all manner of weaponry. As I have said before in this column, your best bet is to merge technologic threats with mystical ones to present a complete dominating package and this is particularly doable by using the concealment afforded by Mummy wrappings.

A word of warning based on personal experience: Do not use Incan, Desert, or Bog Mummies.’ All of these are pale imitation of the true Egyptian styled mummies. I do not have space available to enumerate, but suffice to say I’ve had bad experiences with the creatures. [3]

Lastly, If you are a regular reader of my column this will be old news to you but allow reiterate: Despite the advantage of having a single point of control, I urge you not to power all your mummies through a single mystic gem or some such… no matter how well protected it may be within your impenetrable death fortress. A single control computer/power source/whatever has a terrible habit of being destroyed or wrested from your control by a self styled Hero’ who-–logic would hold– should be incapable of the feat. This is a well documented phenomenon which has been demonstrated not only through innumerable case studies but also holds experimentally. Whatever mystic/scientific source you use to power your Mummies (or other minions for that matter if you insist on ignoring my advice), make sure to distribute it as wide as possible.

In closing, allow me to present you with a scenario: Imagine, if you will, a mammoth pyramid crashing into the heart of the city. Civilians gawk, point and stare; their feeble minds grasping about for how to react. All along its formidable face, the stones grind against themselves to reveal dozens of gaping black holes. There is a pause, as the metropolis collectively holds its breath. Then, from each exit a spills a horde of Mummies. Your Mummies! The neighborhood watch, the police, and even the army with their precious zombie and robot centric training aim for their preconditioned killshots which prove entirely ineffectual.

All hope seems lost.

Inevitably, your Nemesis (Cape, Superspy, or whatever particular flavor your do gooder’ comes in) arrives to deal with this affront to the sensibilities and pathetic morality’ of the brain addled herd. After a moment’s confusion, he settles on a plan to use magical means to banish these things. But wait, what’s this? You flip your master control switch and behold: the concealing outer layer of linens slip off your Mummy army to reveal that your minions are all equipped with jetpacks, laser cannons and endless billowing blooms of aggressive attack nanites. Prepared for the supernatural threat, your nemesis never saw this coming, never understood the totality of your genius and the inevitability of their own defeat. They’re brought to you in chains, and you decide to keep them close to your person and your command and control structure since they will now serve as a trophy and a warning to all who would oppose you.

From then on, no one presents a serious challenge.

All your enemies are laid low by your army of technologically augmented, near invulnerable mummies.

And so you stand atop your rocket pyramid bestriding the world like the supreme pharaoh you are. You laugh; the longest, fullest most satisfying laugh of your life. And, for the first time in your life; no one punches you in the face as you laugh. [4]

All because you decided to use mummies.

In a word, it will be… Glorious.

Dr. Genocide is a regular contributor to Mad Science Monthly. He is listed as one of the Galactapol’s Most wanted for over a decade and his schemes have nearly granted him total control of reality no less than seven times. He currently lives in a undisclosed Orbiting Death Station with his three cats: Blargat the Eater of Space, Felinitus and Mr. Meow-Meow.

  1. Dr. Victor Frank N. Sane may or may not be existent in your particular parallel due to the multiverse rearranging of the Omega Warrior and Eternitus. As such, results may vary.

  2. It didn’t.

  3. Mad Science Monthly can neither confirm nor deny that Dr. Genocide contracted a radioactive STD from a romantic encounter with a Bog Mummy.

  4. Mad Science Monthly reminds its subscribers that, no matter how assured they are of their own victory, Maniacal Laughter is never encouraged and you should do so only at your own risk.

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