|||

2022.4.3 — A Pile of Dead Selves

#blog #life

Death and rebirth is the name of the game. Rising, only to fall, only to rise again; life and death, victory and defeat, expansion contraction — the lungs of the totality.

I stand on a mountain of dead selves. I wonder if I would be recognizable to my youth(s); that 12 year old evangelical fundamentalist, the softboy agnostic 20 something terrified of giving offense, the martyr trying to hold his marriage together thinking someday, someday maybe soon things could or would finally click.

Perhaps I’m being hyperbolic, but it really does feel like I’ve already lived (sans any kind of reincarnation or past life framework) a hundred lifetimes already.

And I believe I may live a hundred more before I’m done.

Dialing back the metaphor a tad, perhaps these personal deaths’ are more akin to a hermit crab vacating an old shell to inhabit one that fits better. There is a through line, a being I can gesture towards even as it grows. Yet much of it’s capabilities, much of the way it moves through the world is determined by the temporary carapace it is borrowing– an interface in conversation with the environment and the other shell growing creatures… bodies & blood now dead and dust, only the persistence of grooved calcite remaining to give shape to some other creature.

The shell, now, fits me well. I still have space to grow within it, I’m still figuring out where I can/can’t move to in this season. But I feel safe, I feel in right relation with it all. Time to grow, forage, fight, retreat, and create all anew.

Same as it ever was.

Same as it will ever be.

Up next 2022. 4.1 Time’s Garden #blog #life Time used to be different. We used to make time with the animals and plants. Spring was when daffodils bloomed
Latest posts 2022. 2022. Seven Rounds In the Absence Earth Day The Numinous, Trauma, and What Comes After En Memento Mori: Life in the Perma-Covid Field Exercise Ignoring the Overlay The Taste of Soured Causality The River Canyon Crashing Fatherhood – 6 Years Soul Retrieval Lead to Gold Burning Man 2019 - Going it Alone On the Limits of Relationships La Jolla Fog Composing a Life A Review of Desert X Fatherhood - 4 and a Half Years In Scare-People & False Signifiers Pilgrimage to the Center: Burning Man 2018 ScreenWorld Fatherhood: Three Years In Scare-People Salt Lick Pokémon Go and the Invitation to Play An Invitation to the Burner Scene Fatherhood 22 Months In 3 Things I Learned Wearing “Women’s” Pants